Non-Girl

By Abi Pettengill

I have this picture on my laptop of me six years ago.
Pre-injury
Pre-depression
Pre-anxiety
Pre-chronic illness.
And I keep looking at it and thinking to myself,
Where did she go?
But the truth is I know exactly where she went,
I know exactly what happened, I'm just not ready to tell that story yet.
The truth is that girl, that happy girl?
s·he is only a memory now.
There is no going back to a time before, There's no going back at all.
I am stuck in the past even though I know I am in the future even though I know I need
to make a future for myself.
But I don't want to
"What do you want to be when you grow up?" they asked.
She would smile, and tellthem that she had loads of time left.
"What do you want to be?"
I grimace and hope they don't notice, because the truth is I don't want to be anything
other than what I already am.

I'm not that girl on the photo anymore... but it's not a tragedy
I am a powerful non-girl

I am not that non-scarred girl anymore, but this non-girl who advocates for self harm
awareness and support

I am not that chill, non-mentally Ill girl anymore, but this non-girl talks to my administrators about how to support the students that are struggling

I am not that able-bodied girl anymore. But as this non-girls bad leg gives out, I will bring the abelists downwith me. I wHI rise with those who can and sit with those who can't.

I am enough
exactly as I am

I don't need to be anyone else
Not for my parents
or my friends or myself

I don't need to grow up to be anything other than me.